I'm sorry I have been quiet for a while folks. I've been getting my head around some health issues that I am experiencing and I haven't been in the right head space to blog about it. However I realised yesterday that this is actually the perfect follow on piece to my Body Image blog. So, getting straight to the point, I have a disease which is causing my fingers to contract and, if I'm really unlucky, my toes will follow suit. This has also led to my developing a condition known as Secondary Reynaud's Phenomenon which causes my fingers and toes to be extremely cold and turn blue, along with my lips. Now, aside from the limitations that this disease is placing on my physical ability to use my hands properly, it also means that while on holiday in the South of France recently, I was sat on the beach in the beautiful, hot sunshine with shoes and gloves on because my hands and feet were painfully cold! As I'm sure you can imagine, this drew some enquiring looks from my fellow beach-goers. I became very self-conscious about my hands, to the point that I became determined to not wear the gloves - which in turn meant my hands got worse and I spent the evenings wearing the gloves, socks, a cardigan and a shawl. Pretty silly eh?! Upon my return from France I went out for dinner with a friend and, as I was getting ready to leave the house, I reached for my lacy gloves (thanks Meg!) to put over my compression gloves to keep my hands warm and protected. Then I hesitated as I imagined the comments "who have you come as - Madonna??" and I took the gloves off, deciding I would rather suffer than expose myself to being laughed at. Afterwards it dawned on me that I had become more worried about my body image than my comfort and health. Quite ironic considering my last blog had been about body image and I had stated how I loved the various parts of my body for what they had achieved! I was so pleased with that blog and received more messages and emails from people saying how much it had helped them, than I had for any other piece I have written. So I am realising that loving your body is even harder when it is not functioning the way it should. I have felt quite overwhelmed with the physical changes and how I am having to adjust my lifestyle. I fear I will no longer be able to participate in cold water swimming as I found I could only tolerate the relatively warm waters on holiday for very short periods. Because of the riding position and the span of my right hand being dramatically reduced, I can no longer ride my beloved road bike, "Bolt". Admitting that to myself was a sad day and left me really struggling to feel positive about the future. However, whilst on holiday it was decided that we should hire bikes and go cycling and, when we got to the hire shop, I was encouraged to take an e-bike and give that a go. After a few hundred yards I stopped and asked my other half to have a go and see what he thought. Initially he thought I had a problem with it, but once he tried it he realised how much fun it was! I wrestled it back from him and we cycled into Argeles Sur Mer along the sea front. After stopping for a couple of beers I suggested we go back to the hire shop and swap his bike for an e-bike like mine - he didn't take much persuading! We only used the hire car maybe 4 times during the whole 2 weeks holiday as travelling along the cycle lanes on the e-bikes was much more fun. Fast forward a few weeks back at home and, after admitting that I could no longer ride Bolt safely, I am now the proud owner of a Juicy Bikes E-bike called Simone!!! Simone and I have already covered 65 miles in the 2 weeks we have been together and I can safely say we are in a committed relationship! She is very different to any bike I have previously owned as she is a Dutch style "sit up and see the world" and she has a basket on the front!!! Very ladylike! So, despite this horrible disease, my cycling adventures continue, as will my swimming (albeit in warmer waters). I am still struggling with feeling self-conscious wearing gloves a lot of the time - although my lovely family have bought me every variety of lovely lacy over-glove on the market! I have learned that body image issues are not just related to size but also to health and that adaptability is a skill that I need to work on. In the meantime I am practicing my assertiveness for when I see my GP in 2 weeks time and try to convince him to refer me for treatment that doesn't involve surgery. Wish me luck................
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