Welcome to a new decade everyone! I'm going to kick off this year with a confession (deep breath Gill) - I haven't been in the pool for a swim since February 2019. Yep, it's been 11 months since I slunk away from the pool, a crying, snot-faced, embarrassed mess. I should change the name of this blog to "FatGirl'sAFraud" or "FatGirlDoesn'tSwim".
You're probably wondering why Fat Girl has been in dry dock for so long and why hasn't she told us? Well, when I contemplate it now it seems rather sad and pathetic and I actually feel a little cross with myself, but the truth is that I was fat shamed at the pool and I let it get so deep under my skin that I stopped doing the thing that I love and that helps keep my depression at bay. I know - it's nuts right?! The woman who writes about loving your body and who truly believes that we are all beautiful - she was fat shamed in the changing rooms and went home crying and felt too ashamed to go back for almost a year. At first, every time I recalled the young woman who looked me up and down with such disgust on her face, before blurting out "oh my god, look at the state of that" I felt my face burn with humiliation and tears sting my eyes again. So, what did I do next? Well, of course, I replayed the moment over and over and over in my head until I managed to convince myself that every person who ever saw me in a swimsuit thought the same as that woman. Did I talk over what had happened with a trusted confidante? Not likely! Instead I have held it close to me until it has become a part of my perceived reality. I am even finding writing about this a painful experience and I have a lump in my throat. Isn't it astonishing that we give such power to other people - a woman I don't know, whose opinion I didn't solicit and, quite frankly, who I would never wish to see again - and I gave her the power to make me feel bad for months! Now that really is nuts! After a few months of over thinking the whole scenario I eventually managed to push it to the back of my mind and carry on as normal - albeit with no swimming. Fast forward to a few days ago when somebody asked me why I never talk about swimming any more and I found myself blurting out the whole, sorry episode. My confidante was angered that there are such mean people in the world and was also shocked that I had let it get to me so much. Well once the floodgates had opened I found myself telling my family and thinking about how much I missed my swimming and how good it would be for my mental health, especially at the moment, and I felt angry at myself for letting it affect me so deeply. Then I had my weekly reiki session (look it up - it's incredible!) and during the session I felt an overwhelming love for my body and all that it does for me. After that I just couldn't shake the desire to get back into the water again. That wonderful weightless feeling, the rhythmic breathing and the steady pull of my arms through the water. So, I am delighted to say that I did it - I got back in the pool. I chose 9am in the morning when I knew it would be fairly quiet (gotta stack the odds in your favour eh!), and I went for a swim. Was I nervous? Hell, yes! Was I graceful and mermaid-like? Hell, no!! Was it wonderful to be back where I belong? Yes, yes, yes!!! Will I be going back? Yep, in fact I'll be hitting the water again tomorrow morning! How do I feel now? I feel proud that I have taken that step and got back in the water, although I know tomorrow will be difficult as it will be busy and I also expect that at some stage in the future I will encounter another opinionated idiot who will think they have the right to body shame me. How will I deal with that when it happens? I think I will throw kindness at that person. I will stop and think (maybe out loud!) about how we usually point the finger at someone else to divert the spotlight away from our own insecurities. I will remind myself that my wonderful body gives me the ability to tap into my inner mermaid whenever I need it to and that, my friends, is what makes me happy!! I am going to finish off by adding that the photo of me on this post, in my swimsuit, necessitated me digging deep into my courage box and I have hesitated several times before clicking the "publish" button. However I know that this year I am going to need to be brave and strong and so it starts with this post. So much has happened over the last couple of months and I have changed and done a lot of self-reflection. Who knew that being honest with yourself, about yourself, was going to be such an uncomfortable yet worthwhile experience? I have much to share with you all - some of which I am still getting up the nerve to blog about, but I am writing daily in my beautiful purple book and I am ready to "use my voice" (I'll explain that one in my next FatGirl post!). Thanks for reading and, as always, your thoughts and comments are very much welcome.
10 Comments
Lesley
19/1/2020 08:03:00 pm
Good on you Gill. You go girl ! X
Reply
Gill
20/1/2020 12:08:36 pm
Hi Lesley, thank you! I absolutely will keep going!! xx
Reply
Katrina
19/1/2020 08:10:26 pm
Beautifully and eloquently written as always Gill. I have no idea why people feel they have the right to pass comment or judgement on others, no matter the subject or opinion.
Reply
Gill
20/1/2020 12:28:36 pm
Your support over the last 32(!) years has meant more to me than you could ever imagine. Will be in touch soon. xx
Reply
Naralie
19/1/2020 08:47:14 pm
You are a beautiful woman inside and out and so incredibly brave. People can be so cruel and if you cut them open they certainly wouldn’t be as gorgeous as they think they are.
Reply
Gill
20/1/2020 12:07:52 pm
Hi Natalie, your support means so much - thank you! I read your Facebook posts and am inspired by you and your family and your running! Much love coming your way xx
Reply
19/1/2020 11:59:58 pm
Hello Gill. I am so deeply sorry that this happened to you. Deeply. To pick yourself up and move forward again, that takes enormous inner strength. I am in awe of you. Be proud. Stay proud and keep doing what you love. We are listening. You are changing lives. The wonderful @janegardiner on instagram has dedicated her morning swim to you. She's another doing amazing things for others AND loves swimming. Thank you. Anita xx
Reply
Gill
20/1/2020 12:05:49 pm
Hi Anita, thank you so much for your comments. I am overwhelmed at the support I am receiving. I hesitated for a long time before posting about this, but I am so glad that I have. Jane Gardiner is an absolute inspiration to me and I am honoured that she dedicated her swim to me! I don't know about me changing lives - the support I am getting is certainly changing mine! xx
Reply
Sandra dawson
4/3/2020 11:10:25 am
Good on you Gill .you should be so proud off yourself for not letting that girls comments stop you from doing what you love.hope you get a lot off pleasure swimming and don't give up .
Reply
Gill Thomas
4/3/2020 09:08:14 pm
Aww thanks Sandra. That means a lot to me. I used to swim every day and I am slowly building it back up again. Can you imagine what Eva would have to say about it!! Xx
Reply
Your comment will be posted after it is approved.
Leave a Reply. |
Archives
March 2020
Categories |