Many years ago when I was a teenager (oh ok many, many, many years ago!) my sister read me a poem by Stevie Smith called "Not Waving But Drowning". At the time it didn't make much sense to me and she had to explain that the author was telling the tale of a man who appeared to be the life and soul of a party but was, in reality, trying desperately to let people know that he was struggling. Even after he died, everybody assumed that his death was an accident. That poem stuck with me throughout the years and has often popped into my thoughts. In fact it was that poem that first introduced me to the idea that what a person writes can have a profound effect on someone's life, and in time, from that realisation came my love of writing. So, thank you Stevie Smith and thank you Pauline for sparking my love of writing. Today I'm sitting on my patio in the sunshine contemplating these strange times that we are living in and I am reminded of that powerful poem. Like many others, lockdown has completely changed my way of living. Under normal circumstances I spend a lot of time at work, surrounded by people, but at home it is largely just me and my dog. Now I am with my husband, daughter and her partner 90% of the time and it has taken some adjustment for us all. At the beginning of lockdown I called a "family meeting" - I know that sounds rather formal but it was really a few bottles of wine and a chat! I was very aware that things were going to change and that we were all going to have to make major adjustments. None of us were used to living with each other and we have some pretty strong characters in the mix! So we had an open and honest chat about what we were all worried about, the potential "hot spots" and what each of our expectations were. At that point I decided that, however long this lockdown lasted, I would do something every week to try and keep people's spirits up. So far I have spent a day wearing a beret and speaking in a French accent; worn a crown and cloak and made everyone call me your majesty; organised a champagne afternoon tea; dressed as an eccentric writer (I know!!) and spoken in prose all day; made a toilet frog; stuck googly eyes on random objects around the house (it took them 3 days before they noticed!) and I have plenty more ideas for the weeks ahead! I have a feeling that I am enjoying it more than my family are. At the end of every day the four of us share a meal (spending lockdown with someone who used to be a chef on super yachts is definitely a bonus!) and I ask about everyone's day and how they are all doing. They then ask me the same. Apparently we are all doing fine. Like everyone else, I miss my family, particularly my other daughter and her son and I miss working with my partner and our colleagues. I speak to all these people on the phone regularly and ask them how they are doing - they ask me the same. Apparently they are also all doing fine. I wonder though, how many of them are, like me, not doing fine. How many of us are not waving but drowning? I have learned some new skills during lockdown, I have had time to do some things that I have wanted to try for years, I get out on my bike more often during the week, but I struggle to write and that gets me down. I am trying to be creative in my business and some days that just feels impossible and that makes me angry at myself. I see social media posts of other women doing workouts and showing off their fabulous figures while I have put weight on and that makes me feel embarrassed and ashamed. I lay awake at night working through scenarios of what I will do if one of my loved ones gets Covid-19 and that leaves me anxious. The condition of my hands has deteriorated considerably over the last month and that fills me with fear. Yet, when anyone asks me "how you doing?" I smile and say "I'm good thanks." and I tell them about the daft things I do to keep the family laughing. Nobody, including my family, has any idea that most of the time I am not waving................ So, please, please, my friends, don't buy into the idea that, just because someone is saying they are fine that they actually are. Take the time to quietly let them know that it's ok to speak up if they aren't ok. If you are the one that feels as though they are drowning, take a breath and remind yourself that the majority of the people that you see who are shouting about how great life is are, if not drowning, then merely treading water and desperately trying to keep themselves afloat. From my experience it would seem that those of us who wave the loudest are those that are actually in the deepest waters. As for me, writing is my therapy and now my thoughts are out there, said aloud as it were, then I'm sure I will be ok . After all I'm a mermaid and it's impossible to drown a mermaid. Reach out if you need to, and please, be kind to others, always. Love to you all Fat Girl xxx Not Waving but Drowning by Stevie Smith Nobody heard him, the dead man, But still he lay moaning: I was much further out than you thought And not waving but drowning. Poor chap, he always loved larking And now he’s dead It must have been too cold for him his heart gave way, They said. Oh, no no no, it was too cold always (Still the dead one lay moaning) I was much too far out all my life And not waving but drowning.
2 Comments
CIndy
20/5/2020 05:42:21 pm
Listen to some very good advice from a great lady I know;
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Gill
20/5/2020 06:16:18 pm
Oooh using my own words against me!! Lol. You are wise one my friend. You always were. Miss you so much. Stay safe and give me love to Teresa and Nancy xxxx
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