Here goes.....deep breath.......Over the last 4 months my life has completely unravelled. As a result I have run, full speed, into a bad bout of depression. I have been avoiding talking to family and friends, I have eaten rubbish food and I have not been to the gym or pool regularly for months. I have gained some weight back. Most days I find it hard to leave the house. My Doc says my immune system is shot and he wants me to go back on antidepressants. Wow that was hard! Give me a minute to breathe......... Ok so now it's out there! I want to let my family and friends know that I am not YOU; I am struggling to find my way through this and reaching out for help is impossible at times. I am lost, but today I think maybe I found a map....... Yesterday I forced myself out of the house to visit a friend that I haven't seen in months. She made me promise that I would go to the gym today. I made it! Thank you Angela! I was in the middle of my weights workout when one of the trainers asked me how I was. I offered my standard "I'm fine" and she responded "No you're not". I burst into tears. She swept me into a side room and I poured it all out. She said she couldn't offer me any advice about my life but that she knew I had inspired people in the gym and that that must be "worth something". She very kindly set me up some free training sessions to help me get back on track and I left. On the drive home I replayed our conversation and started thinking about "worth". I have spent over 30 years of my life measuring my worth by how good a wife and mother I have been. Recently I have learned that I haven't fulfilled those roles as well as I thought I had and that has had a profound effect on me. I have felt worthless to those who meant the most to me. Then I had a revelation - I know my lack of worth as a wife and mother. I even know my worth as a member of my gym. However, I don't know my self worth! What am I worth to ME? What would happen if I started to measure my worth by what I thought of myself rather than what others thought of me? So.......here goes. I am aiming to try and navigate my way out of this by rebuilding my life based on what I think I am worth. Taking baby steps ( and probably falling flat on my face along the way) but at least I will be moving forward. My first step is taking up writing this blog again. A friend suggested months ago that when I was ready I should "revisit" my blog. Thank you Katrina Castledine, you were right. As hard as it is to put this all out there, writing is my therapy and I know it will help. My second step is to believe that I am worth taking the time to exercise and therefore my priority for this next week will be to go to the gym and pool as much as possible. It would be lovely to have some of you "holding my hand" through this but, if not, then I am hopeful that I will be worthy enough to hold my own hand.....and breathe......
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