As we enter the final weeks of 2014 I find myself finally able to look forwards to the future. Of course looking forwards inevitably leads to backwards glances at what has proved to be a year of painful experiences. During the course of 2014 I have been forced to let go of long term relationships; say goodbye to loved ones and accept the loss of the future I thought I would have. All of which have taken a huge toll on my mental and physical health. However it was also the year when I was shown how loved I am. I was allowed to cry when I needed to; I was soothed and comforted when I was hurt; I was reminded of who I am and what I am capable of; I was even hit over the head when it became necessary! I was shown immense understanding and patience by my family and friends. 2014 was the year in which I learned what true love is. I'm not going to embarrass anyone by naming them - you know exactly who you are and what you have done for me. I shall simply say : Thank you for your love; it has saved me.
So what do I do with the lessons learned in 2014? How do I repay the faith shown in me? How do I return all that love? I start living again and taking care of ME. I eat properly, I exercise until I drop, I laugh again and then, yep, I exercise some more! I get into the gym, jump into the pool and take on some new challenges. I don't doubt that 2015 is going to be difficult at times but I shall be focussing on 2 new challenges. I shall be doing the Humber Bridge 100k Cycle Sportive in June and the Loch Ard 3k Open Water Swim in September. I sincerely hope that you will be sticking around to cajole, encourage and love me during these challenges.
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Here goes.....deep breath.......Over the last 4 months my life has completely unravelled. As a result I have run, full speed, into a bad bout of depression. I have been avoiding talking to family and friends, I have eaten rubbish food and I have not been to the gym or pool regularly for months. I have gained some weight back. Most days I find it hard to leave the house. My Doc says my immune system is shot and he wants me to go back on antidepressants. Wow that was hard! Give me a minute to breathe......... Ok so now it's out there! I want to let my family and friends know that I am not YOU; I am struggling to find my way through this and reaching out for help is impossible at times. I am lost, but today I think maybe I found a map....... Yesterday I forced myself out of the house to visit a friend that I haven't seen in months. She made me promise that I would go to the gym today. I made it! Thank you Angela! I was in the middle of my weights workout when one of the trainers asked me how I was. I offered my standard "I'm fine" and she responded "No you're not". I burst into tears. She swept me into a side room and I poured it all out. She said she couldn't offer me any advice about my life but that she knew I had inspired people in the gym and that that must be "worth something". She very kindly set me up some free training sessions to help me get back on track and I left. On the drive home I replayed our conversation and started thinking about "worth". I have spent over 30 years of my life measuring my worth by how good a wife and mother I have been. Recently I have learned that I haven't fulfilled those roles as well as I thought I had and that has had a profound effect on me. I have felt worthless to those who meant the most to me. Then I had a revelation - I know my lack of worth as a wife and mother. I even know my worth as a member of my gym. However, I don't know my self worth! What am I worth to ME? What would happen if I started to measure my worth by what I thought of myself rather than what others thought of me? So.......here goes. I am aiming to try and navigate my way out of this by rebuilding my life based on what I think I am worth. Taking baby steps ( and probably falling flat on my face along the way) but at least I will be moving forward. My first step is taking up writing this blog again. A friend suggested months ago that when I was ready I should "revisit" my blog. Thank you Katrina Castledine, you were right. As hard as it is to put this all out there, writing is my therapy and I know it will help. My second step is to believe that I am worth taking the time to exercise and therefore my priority for this next week will be to go to the gym and pool as much as possible. It would be lovely to have some of you "holding my hand" through this but, if not, then I am hopeful that I will be worthy enough to hold my own hand.....and breathe...... Last week I was confined to our hotel suite with a nasty case of Bangalore Bum and in between bouts of running to the bathroom I decided to start working on "the book" . I spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to work out where to start and finally settled on writing about what made me Fat Girl in the first place. Should be relatively easy as I have been fat my entire life; fat infant; fatter teenage; fattest adult. There, done! However when I started thinking more deeply about it and looked at some old pics I realised that I wasn't a fat baby or fat as a young child. I started getting fat when I was 11 - around the time my father was diagnosed with a brain tumour. After he died I got fatter. Hmm even I could see a possible link here. When I started thinking about the 6 months when my father was ill I realised that I never felt any real emotion about it - surely I would have felt at least a little frightened of the thought of my father dying? I remember my mother telling myself and my brothers that dad wasn't going to get better so I was certainly aware of the fact that his tumour was terminal. Following his death, I don't think I allowed myself to feel any emotion then either. I did, however, eat a lot. A year later I developed epilepsy, which my consultant put down to the trauma of losing my father. Having epilepsy as a teenager had a profound effect of my life and I dealt with it by - yep - eating! Well I spent a week celebrating, wearing my medal and taking every opportunity to tell anyone and everyone that I was a monster swimmer - what else would I do? However it was soon time to return to my life in India; which gave me ample opportunity to give a whole new set of people a detailed account of race day! This done it was time to sit down with Cindy and discuss the next challenge. I had already been thinking about this and had decided I wanted to do the Monster Swim again next year as I didn't fully feel I could cross it off my "done" list; my hubby was keen on the idea of us cycling the Trans Penine Trail which covers around 217 miles from Southport to Hornsea and I really wanted to do a triathlon. It was obvious to me that I couldn't do all three and Cindy asked "which one do YOU want to do?" "Well" I replied, "the idea of triathlon terrifies me...." "Triathlon it is then" she tells me! "and don't worry about the cycle - it will make a great training ride!" WHAT!!!!! It appears that I will be doing all three(!) but my "event" will be a sprint triathlon in summer 2014. So that's a 750 meter open water swim, followed by a 20k cycle and topped off with a 5k run. Looks like it's fat-girl-tri's! Hang on folks this is likely to be another bumpy ride.......and this time hubby is joining me! I arrived at Loch Ness at 7.15am, having been informed the previous evening that the race was being brought forward by an hour to 9am due to the expected bad weather. When we arrived the loch was like a mirror! I told my husband that the swim was "going to be beautiful - I will have a little rest half-way round to admire the lovely scenery". At 8am I was on the phone to Cindy, my trainer, telling her I wanted to cry and that the wind was a little strong but nothing to worry about. By 8.30am I was at the water's edge staring at the waves fighting an increasing feeling of dread! Standing in the starting pen with 400+ other swimmers was an amazing experience. Everyone was chatting and exchanging swimming tales; all of us first-timers looking for reassurance from the experienced swimmers. I felt surprisingly calm at this point and was eager to get in the water. An announcement came over the tannoy advising anyone who wasn't a strong swimmer to think seriously about withdrawing as the waves were getting big! Deep breath Gill, stay focussed. As the claxon sounded to start the race I watched the elite swimmers dive in the water and made my way forward to the shores' edge. I was surprised that they didn't seem to be moving away from me as quickly as I had expected. I ran into the water, ducked down and started swimming. As I passed through the first two marker buoys I was astonished to find that I was passing people. "Woohoo look at me!" I thought, "Not so slow after all". What I didn't know was that a lot of people had got to the first two buouys and then turned around and swam back to shore! The waves were huge and powerful but I think the adrenalin just kept me moving forward. I passed the second buouy and had to fight hard not to get dragged into it by the current. Once I was clear of it I sighted the third buouy and headed off. A huge wave lifted me up and dropped me, followed seconds later by another which pushed me under the water. As I surfaced I shouted "bring it on bitch; I'm stronger than you" and changed my stroke to breaststroke so I could swim under the waves and make some headway. All around me in the water I could hear people gasping and shouting, and all the time I'm telling myself "you got this, just keep moving forward". Although the wind was making the waves big I felt secure in the knowledge that there were safety kayakers in the water and I would be rescued if necessary. As I tried to sight the third buouy I couldn't find it! I thought maybe I was swimming in the wrong direction but as I turned 360 degrees - nope no buouy. Errrmm what to do? Keep moving forward! I swam in the direction I thought the buouy had been and started to assess the situation. The pounding of the waves was definitely having an impact on my energy; I knew I would have to decide between buouy three and four whether I had enough energy left to make it around the course a second time. If I couldn't make a second lap then I would have to exit the water at buouy four; once I had passed number four I would have to either complete the second lap or be rescued. No way was I leaving the water on a rescue boat! I stopped to get my bearings again and try to determine whether I was heading in the right direction in the abscence of buouy number 3! A man swam up to me and shouted "where is the buouy?" I told him I thought it must have blown away and he replied "f**k this I'm out of here" and headed straight for the shore. As I looked around again I could see that people were being rescued all around me - I had been swimming to hard and was so focussed on getting through the waves that I hadn't noticed! A kayak approached me and I was tried shooing it away - "Im fine" I shouted over the roaring wind "but where is the buouy?" "Head straight back to shore" she shouted back; the race was halted. I didn't have much time to think before the wind changed direction yet again and I was hit by waves from the right hand side; followed by the safety kayak and then the paddles as the kayaker battled to keep control. Hmm if the safety crews were in trouble it would definitely be wise to do as I was told and exit the water. I could hear a woman in the water behind me, gasping for breath and struggling to stay afloat. I shouted to her to take some deep breaths and follow me - "you'll be okay; we're headed for shore", trying to sound pleased but already feeling disappointed that my race had been cut short. Of course, the wind was then behind us as we headed shorewards and we were carried in on the massive waves. I did experience a few "woohoo" moments on the way in but I was also thinking that I had better get in quickly as no doubt my family and friends on shore would be worried about me. Once I was through the finish gate I was given my medal and my girls and husband threw themselves at me in relief and told me how proud they were of me. "I can't believe how brave you were, I'm so proud" said Meghan. My response? I burst into tears and cried "But they wouldn't let me finish!" My initial, over-riding feeling was disappointment that the race had been halted. I cried for the first half hour then Julian told me to ring Cindy and talk to her. She promptly told me that I had completed the shortened course under dangerous conditions and that I should focus on the positive result and not get bogged down in the negative. I was a winner!!! Great advice, as ever, Cindy. I have since celebrated with my amazing family and friends and bragged endlessly to anyone who will listen!! I swam in a Monster Loch, through Monster Waves and survived!! What an incredible year this has been for me. I have lost 6.5 stones and learnt to love my body and what it can do. I am returning to India in a few days time and I am eager to meet up with Cindy and discuss the next challenge! My friends and family have raised an incredible £942 for Blurt Foundation - for which I thank you all so much for your generosity. I have had so much support and encouragement from you all and I feel truly loved by each of you. THANK YOU! Many of you have asked me to keep writing the blog and as long as you enjoy reading it I shall continue writing. I shall blog again soon so watch this space for details of the next challenge...... Argh it's nearly here! How did that happen? Only 4 days left to go until the Big Yin. I have been in Scotland for 2 1/2 weeks swimming almost daily in the local loch. Whilst the weather started out fine, it got progressively worse with the wind causing extremely choppy conditions. At times even my safety canoeists struggled to stay right side up! I owe a huge thank you to Cain Turner, Katrina Thomas, Julian Thomas, Dave Benge and Trevor Foot who all gave up large amounts of their holidays to be my safety crew. I could not have swam safely without them. Thank you guys n gal! Swimming in these huge deep lochs makes one feel very insignificant and has given me a deeper respect for the power of Mother Nature. The amazing scenery is incredible when viewed from the middle of churning loch! I was very grateful for all the hours spent lifting weights in the gym to build my upper body strength. Unfortunately in this final week I have gone down with a cold so all my workouts have been cancelled and I have been ordered to rest. At least I will have time to blog now! Well, I knew it had to come eventually; I had to buy a rubber suit, well technically speaking a neoprene wetsuit! So I duly researched the internet and discovered that apparently fat people don't wear wetsuits. Part of me understands why, after all I wasn't exactly looking forward to it myself. It's bad enough wearing a swimsuit but a wetsuit fits like a second skin thus leaving you nowhere to hide the lumps and bumps. It does infuriate me that us fatties can't buy decent sportswear in this country! Am I really the only fat girl in the UK who wants to swim, run and cycle? I have been on numerous, misleading sites that state they have fitness clothing for all shapes and sizes only to discover that they stop at a size 20. Unfortunately I didn't stop when I hit size 20 - I kept going! I buy my running and cycling gear from the US, where apparently fat girls do exercise. Anyway, stepping off the soapbox, I found a company called Snugg in Cornwall who hand make tailored wetsuits. I called and spoke to a great guy called Malcolm who said he could indeed clothe me in rubber (a slightly bizarre conversation to have with a stranger) and he would email me a measurement form to fill in. A total of 27(!) measurements are needed to make the wetsuit, and hubby duly did the honours. Malcolm then called me to discuss my requirements, discreetly describing my figure as Dawn Frenchesque, which I quite liked. He informed me that I would need a neoprene swimming hat also, as it would be so cold in Loch Ness, and also that I should consider taking painkillers before getting in the water to help combat the intense ice cream headache that the cold water will give me. Great, hadn't thought of that one Malcolm! As an experienced open water swimmer himself, Malcolm was able to give me some great advice and tips on cold water swimming, which was greatly appreciated. My lovely, shiney black and gold wetsuit arrived a week after I got back to the UK. Luckily my daughter Katrina, is experienced in putting on a wetsuit and was able to show me how to do it. I thought it was just a case of pulling it on but how wrong I was! Imagine trying to squeeze yourself into a bodysuit that is 5 sizes too small while standing in a sauna! Damn this thing makes me hot - and not in a good way. After much tugging and pulling Katrina was finally happy that it was on correctly and I was in danger of passing out from heat and the constriction of it was stopping me from breathing. How on earth was I going to be able to swim in the thing? How was I going to be able to go out in public wearing it? We would soon find out........ After my disastrous appointment at the Doctors, I reluctantly agreed to visit my friend's Physiotherapist to try and have my injury properly assessed. I was in a lot of pain and was unable to train, which was making me "bad tempered, mean and downright miserable" - that is a direct quote from my poor husband! Hari, the Physio, diagnosed a rotator cuff injury and advised me that it would take around 2 weeks to heal; provided I had deep tissue massage treatment and NO UPPER BODY TRAINING OR SWIMMING! The lack of training and swimming proved to be far more painful than the massage. My friends all noticed that I was quiet and rather down and Julian had to suffer long silences, occasionally broken by my heart felt sighs. It really brought home to me how uplifting exercise is when you are prone to depression; and how quickly that can change. However my lovely friends were soon coming up with ideas of how I could swim without using my arms and still benefit from a workout.
After 5 massages by the lovely Hari, I was pronounced fit for exercise and immediately phoned Cindy to arrange a training session. I turned up for the session raring to go and was immediately informed that my workouts were changing again! I had just about learned the old routine and was now presented with a new one - no time for boredom with my trainer! "The new routine is based around 3 weights sessions, 2 aerobic sessions and 2 rest days a week" Cindy explains. My brain immediately latches onto "2 rest days a week" and I stare at Cindy, aghast, and she acknowledges that the rest days will be the hardest part of the new regime. I immediately ask for clarification of what constitutes a rest day and start to feel better when I am told I can cycle and walk on those days, along with trying a yoga class. Phew!! So the new routine comprises 3 weights sessions, combining upper and lower body exercises, alternating with 2 aerobic sessions on the elliptical trainer. Endurance swims are done on weights days and sprint swims on aerobic days. "Easy" I think. "Oh yes, and the weights are done excruciatingly slowly until you feel as though your arms/legs are going to collapse and then you hold it for a count of 10." Hmm not so easy after all. However I am promised big results from this new routine and that is all I need to encourage me to get stuck into it. After Cindy has put me through my paces we discuss nutrition. Four weeks previously I had given up butter and fried or fatty foods, now it was to be "white foods" such as pasta, potato and white bread. Hey if it helps make me faster I can do it! My diet has already changed considerably so what was one or two more changes? Cindy also gave me a pep talk about staying motivated and focussed as this was to be our last session together before the race. Once again we are headed to different continents as Cindy goes home and I return to the UK to do some cold water training. As we say goodbye I am left feeling somewhat cast adrift and I wonder how I will fair over the coming weeks without Cindy to "kick my ass"............. TO SPONSOR MY SWM PLEASE CLICK ON THE LINK BELOW http://blurtitout.org/give/gill-thomas |
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